Review

by Dave "Marauder" Kratky, Nov 26/2000.

 

Hey, how badly can anyone screw up a game based on Starship Troopers, one of the coolest movies ever made? You can't, not completely anyhows.....

Allright listen up you pukes. I am Drill Sergeant Kratky. You may all call me Sgt Marauder. I will be instructing you on what you can expect from life in the Mobile Infantry. I am hard, but I am fair. You will not like me but the more you hate me, the more you will learn. The first and last words out of your filthy mouths will always be Sir... DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!

Sir, yes sir!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

SIR, YES SIR!

Good. Maybe you're not as stupid as you all look. Maybe just maybe, you might actually graduate from my beloved school and move on to become real soldiers, instead of the pathetic little creatures you currently are.

Now. Since you are all here for MI training, I am assuming that you are all here to kill bugs. Are you here to kill bugs?

SIR, YES SIR!

Excellent. First off you will all notice that our graphics are not too impressive. They're not bad, but they're not great, even with hardware acceleration. Any of you pukes have a problem with this analysis?

SIR, NO SIR!

Good, you learn fast. Can any of you tell me why our graphics are not too damned great??? Anyone?? No? Our graphics appear to not be all that great because of the sheer number of bugs we will have on the screen at any one time, most if not all of them bent upon ripping you to shreds. This is a good thing. Large numbers of the enemy on screens means that we get large numbers of kills, which in turn leads to lots of experience we can use to buy new and upgraded weapons with which to kill more bugs. It will also allow you worthless little maggots to gain some experience as well as promotions so that perhaps we will actually survive a little longer. We will also be able to see great distances while we are on the ground, which will allow us to take in the nice sunrises and look at the pretty buildings.... DO YOU LIKE LOOKING AT THE PRETTY BUILDINGS MEN?!?

SIR, YES SIR!

Well forget pretty, ladies! Where we're going there will be nothing but decent cut scenes and tons of carnage, bugs and destroyed buildings. Pretty is no longer in our vocabulary. From now on, your only friend is a gun. Which gun is up to you commanding officer, but by God have we got guns for you. The MI arsenal is loaded down with everything from Smartrifles, Grenade Launcher and Lightguns all the way up to Nukes and Flamethrowers. All of which you will use to shoot, fry and kill bugs. These bugs will come at you from all sides. From the front, from the rear, and out of the fucking ground. If you are not fast, or if your camera happens to go behind a hill at a crucial moment you will all DIE!!!!! When a tanker bug comes out of the ground under your feet and sprays fire on your buddy and you watch him burn, you better be ready with that missile launcher or you will be next. Would you ladies like to hear about the walking?

<silence>

I SAID WOULD YOU LADIES LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT THE WALKING?!?!

SIR, YES SIR!

Well! Since you are going to be in the MI, and are one of the toughest bunch of killers to ever set down on a planet's surface, prepare to see alot of it. On foot. Hell, sometimes we'll even do a flyby of your objective on the way in, just so you know what you've got to look forward to. You'll most likely be dropped as far away from your objective as possible, and you'll be forced to earn your pay by fighting every foot of the way right back to where you came from a few times.

Welcome to the Mobile Infantry ladies. I'll see you back here for complete training in 5 minutes.

DIIIIISMISSED!