"I am..."

I don't "live my life on the computer".

I HAVE kissed a girl.

And I don't have carpal tunnel syndrome.

I have an "alias" or a "handle", not a "nickname".

And I don't know who set your screensaver password, although I'm certain they're very stupid people.

If you can't get on the net, the internet isn't "broken", there's just something wrong with your dial-up connection.

Memory and Hard Disk Space are TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS!

A "case" is something that holds the internal parts of your computer- a motherboard, processor, etc. are not part of a case.

When you right-click on ANYTHING, you get a useful little menu.

:o) is a smiling face. You have to look at it sideways.

A 'firewall' is NOT what it sounds like.

If you have to ask me how much that ADSL setup costs, you can't afford it.

"Llama" IS an insult.

If you don't use the mouse to play your FPS, I will kick your ass at it.

If you don't know what an FPS is, don't talk to me about gaming.

Just because you bought more memory, your games will not run faster.

If you buy a name-brand system because the salesperson told you it's upgradeable, don't get mad at me when I tell you you've been suckered.

Picking a good colour for your computer does not make it a good computer.

A "*" is an asteriSk, not an asterick.

If you see files on your hard drive that you don't think you need, back them up before erasing them.

If your friend tells you he knows "all about" computers, don't let him work on your computer.

YES, software piracy is illegal and no, I won't burn that game for you while I'm working at the computer store.

LMAO= Laughing my ass off. Probably at you.

Not every website has a "www" in front of it. Deal with it.

No, I do not know how to "hack into your buddies' computer"

No, you don't have a colour laser printer. You have a colour inkjet printer.

Just because you bought your computer in 1997 does not mean you have WINDOWS 97. There is no such thing as Windows 97.

Microsoft Word is NOT hard to figure out. Trust me.

A computer monitor is not a "tv screen".

"\" is a backslash, not "/"

"Double click" means to click twice quickly. Similarily, "right click" means to click on something with your right mouse button.

Just because it says 56K Modem does not mean you'll connect at 56K.

If you get an email saying that there is a virus going around the net that will destroy your mouse, ruin your speakers, or something similar, and you believe it, you shouldn't be on the net.

If you get an ICQ message that tells you to forward it to 10 people and you'll get a flower beside your name, don't send it to me.

A K6-2 sucks. It fucking sucks. As does a Cyrix. Deal with it.

Windows 98 SHOULD NOT be installed on a 486 with 8 megs RAM, and I don't care WHAT the box says.

The internet is not somewhere on one computer.

forwarding a forwarded forward and leaving everyone's damned email address at the top of the list is unbelieveably annoying,

and "warez" is pronounced "WHERE'S", not WAR-EZ... WARES.

MY NAME IS ROB DARLING, (PRAETORIAN), and I AM... COMPUTER LITERATE and that's the bottom line...