Texas. Oct 31/2000.
Romero and ION Storm today announced a lawsuit against the
web site known as FRAGtopia.com and it's owners. Mr. Romero
alleges that both he and his company were slandered by two
employees of the news site, a Dave "Marauder" Kratky and Kristopher
"Rune" Macmillan. The suit claims that the site has posted
numerous false and slanderous claims, and that sales of the
company's flagship game "Daikatana" were hurt badly by a review
posted on said site by Mr. Kratky. The review allegedly called
the game "Shit", "The most disappointing game I've ever played",
and a "devil spawned creation." Mr. Romero says in his suit
that all of these claims are patently false. The site has
also made multiple sexist references to the breasts of Romero's
lover and level designer Stevie Case, using words such as
"Wow!" and "Amazing!"
which is the second game that Mr. Romero's ION Storm has released
was met with disdain, hatred and outrage by the gaming community,
and has suffered phenomenally low sales. ION Storm is blaming
pirating, and of course, FRAGtopia.com.
asked both parties involved in the case for comments. Mr.
Romero was the first to respond.
"I was deeply and emotionally scarred by the comments these
heartless bastards made about my glorious opus, and myself.
I just can't stand there and take anymore of every web site
and gaming magazine running down myself, my products and my
girlfriend. If one merely were to look at the only unbiased
web site on the Internet right now, Planet Daikatana, one
would see that the game is magnificent! It's well worth playing,
and amazing. The PD web site will be my primary offensive
weapon in court. I'm also hoping that my hair, and perhaps
having Stevie show up in a tight halter top will aid our case,
and win the judge to our side."
When asked, the main defendant in this case, Mr. Kratky commented
"Yeah, whatever. All I have to do to get these guys off my
back is bring a copy of Diaktana in to the court room and
get the judge to play it. I'm off the hook, most likely, and
hey! Maybe the judge will even order a break up of ION Storm.
They could break it into two different companies. "Shit" ION
Storm, and "Warren Spector a god" ION Storm. Then at least
we'd know which games were safe to buy. Remember, it's not
illegal to tell the truth, but false advertising is illegal.
That's what ION Storm is doing here! Remember, John Romero's
hair doesn't kill people.... but you never know what it's
up to!" Mr. Kratky then wandered off, muttering something
about "Emulation" and "Beer good"
hearing these claims, Mr. Romero apparently flew into a fit
of rage, blamed the low sales of Daikatana on pirating and
FRAGtopia, as well as accusing them of starting World War
2, the drug war in America and the spread of AIDS. He then
demanded that his minions bring him the head of Mr. Kratky
on a stake ala Doom 2. When we asked exactly what he meant
by this comment, he said "I think I left my lawyers in my
Ferrari. I'll be back in a minute." <Insert squeal of tires
lawyers responded to these accusations, claiming that the
events atributed to their client were actually the fault of
ozone layer depletion caused by Mr. Romero's excessive use
of hairspray and mouthwash.
suit goes to court someday, somewhere.
related news Mr. Romero and ION Storm are also preparing to
launch a lawsuit against a defendant known only as "The gaming
world" which names over 40 million defendants across North
America, South America, Asia, Europe, the UK, Australia and
Africa. Surprisingly, the one known gamer in Antarctica was
also named. The law suit claims that since people are too
"fucking stupid" to recognize a true work of gaming genius
when they see one, they should pay a tax on their mental retardation.
gaming world was unavailable for comment at this time.